Chapter 5

JOANIE'S SETBACK AND RECOVERY

Taking Care of Things

Part of taking care of things involved calling Van to give him my new Oregon phone

number; an assignment I felt could be easily handled, as he would be long-gone, and getting on

with his life.

However, when I called, I was surprised that he was still parked at Wal-Mart in

Troutdale, adding that he had told us all he would stay there a few days. None of us remember

him saying anything about it, and I don't know why this triggered an emotional setback for

Joanie, my inner child, but it did.

Van went on to say that he had gone to the beach for a few days to cool off, as it had

been hot (in the eighties), and he returned in time for the 93-degree day. I didn't ask if he turned

on the generator for AC, but knowing that he doesn't like to use either one, I assumed that he

probably didn't. But, that's no longer my concern, and part of the reason he's seeking his solo

self-esteem trip, so I kept my mouth shut. In fact, I was impressed that he had made the decision

to take care of himself by going to the beach. This was an indication that his self-esteem was

already responding to his need to make necessary decisions to take care of things; himself

included.

I gave him my new phone number, and then asked where he wanted his mail sent. He

said to send it to his mother's, in Northern California. Aha! So he had made a decision to return

to her for financial support, her version of nurturing, which is also the way they relate for love

support. "Moneylove," as Jerry Gillie's titled his best-seller book.

I was disappointed that his solo self-esteem trip would be so short-lived, but again, it was

none of my business, and after he explained that he would be leaving the next day, we hung up.

I wondered why I suddenly felt terrible, sad and emotionally drained, so I went to bed

and slept all night, as if in a coma. The next day, I was unable to get up, or even eat, and I stayed

in bed all day and through the next night.

I spent much of the time in tears, feeling hopeless and helpless, unable to take care of

anything, and devoid of any support from God, or anyone else, as Dottie and family were busy

with their own activities.

However, around noon, in desperation, I called Van with the thought that I would ask

him to wait at Safeway in Damascus, while I gather a few essentials and my computer, and join

him. Suddenly, nothing else seemed very important. My life was leaving, and it's for sure I had

no life left, considering that, without transportation, I couldn't even leave this Paradise. I felt

trapped and desperate.

In addition, I had overheard Dottie talking about their financial situation being so bad,

because of the expense of the move, until Steve's first paycheck, that the water was going to be

turned off, and they didn't have money for food. I noticed that I was almost out of toilet paper

and bottled spring water ( I get terrible indigestion on the tap water), not to mention I had very

little food of my own. Joanie, my inner child, panicked, as her memories of early childhood with

her natural parents were triggered by these circumstances, and she felt utterly destitute.

Now, with Van leaving, I felt my life was over, so I had to grab hold of my only security,

no matter how deplorable it had become, and try to go with him.

My Life is Leaving

Van doesn't answer the phone when he's driving, but this time he did, and I asked

"Where are you?"

He replied, "I-84 heading to I-205."

Soon he would be at the turn-off to 212 and Safeway, and after that he would be gone; so

in tears I asked, "Are you excited to be on the road?"

"Yes," but I can't talk now, do you want me to call you back?"

I was choking and couldn't talk, as silence took over the phone. Finally, I croaked, "I

don't know."

Again, he said he had to get off the phone, because of traffic, so I said, "Have a good

trip."

I Release You and Set You Free

I hoped he would call back, but he didn't. And I know that it couldn't be any other way.

As he said, he has to make this trip alone. So I released him, and hoped I would survive.

However, I didn't feel that I could make it through the day, or night, let alone the rest of my life.

I just couldn't believe that God would bring me to this place, and then dump me, with no support

whatsoever.

I recalled that God had guided and protected us across the country, and in all our travels,

and for my Big 70 Birthday Circuit, and He had brought us safely to this time and place, so I had

to know that He was still with me, even through this terrible Wilderness, and it's all part of the

Inner Journey, even if I'm no longer on the road.

As proof, God sent me messages via songs on my tapes that I played every day, and also

on the radio. For instance, the words to one song reminded me, "The Best is Yet to Come," and

went on to say, "When you're enfolded in my arms" and "When you spend you life with me." I

took this to refer to my relationship with God.

Confirmation of Van's state of mind came in another song, "Last Train to Clarksville,": I

must go, and I don't know if I'm ever coming home." Oh well, there seems to be a lot of this sort

of thing going on.

What is Your Fear?

I managed to find some time with Dottie, during her cigarette break on the balcony, and

tried to get some comfort, but she's pragmatic, and when I complained about my back being in

so much pain that I can't even use my computer, she said, "Well, like Gary Zukav says, ask

yourself, "What is the fear that the pain is hiding? Stick with the question, and not the answer."

No sooner had she said it, than I blurted out, midst more tears, "I can't take care of

myself, and there is no one to take care of me."

Dottie had gone through John Bradshaw's "Homecoming: Healing the Wounded Inner

Child" program that I had facilitated, and even though she had been in a fetal position through

most of it, she knew all about the inner child, so she spoke to Joanie, reminding her that it's not

up to her to take care of things; it's up to Joyanna.

Joanie started listing all the things that she was worried about: water being turned off, no

food or toilet paper, and the biggest concern, her mail delivery, because the forwarded health

products had not arrived, and she was already out of B-12, which she felt was the cause of

feeling so depressed and upset.

Dottie patiently explained to Joanie that those matters were part of their household, and

they had already taken care of most of the financial problems, and I didn't need to worry about

them. As to the toilet paper, she went downstairs and brought up four rolls, from an extra supply

that I didn't know about. And then she called the neighbor to find out the exact situation, since

the message had been given to Airica, and asked about alternative solutions. Then she reported

to me that they could get a mailbox at the Boring Post Office.

The Triggering Mechanisms

After our talk, I consciously looked back over all the things that had triggered this

setback for Joanie, all relating to issues from her early childhood and the Abandonment Issues

when her mother had a mental collapse, after the birth of the baby brother, Gary. Mom was sent

to a mental hospital.  Gary was placed in an orphanage at three-weeks old, and Joanie was sent

to live with relatives, which wasn't a good situation for her. But, fortunately, she was rescued by

Mom and Dad Freeland (her paternal grandfather and his second wife), and life was good for a

few years, until Mom Freeland became an alcoholic. But that's another story, for now, the

emphasis is on recognizing and moving beyond the triggering incidents of the Abandonment

Syndrome.

Just realizing what was going on helped. And knowing that I wasn't all alone, nor was it

all up to me to take care of everything released more anxiety. This all relates to the fact that

Joanie, as a small girl, had been told "Take care of your mommie, Joanie." And she thought it

was up to her, although inside she cried, "I can't; I don't know how," and she had taken on the

responsibility, and also the guilt, when my natural mother became mentally ill. With years of

therapy and 12-Step Inner Child work, although it sometimes takes awhile to realize what I am

feeling, such as this time, I can now recognize these patterns, and I know what to do to move

through them.

While Dottie and I were talking on the balcony, Airica and Josh were cooking bacon and

eggs, which is another triggering factor. It reminded Joanie of the morning when her mommie

was crying into a dishtowel, in the kitchen, after she and her daddy had been talking about

money problems: scarcity and lack of money. This was the era of The Great Depression, and Dad

would walk along the railroad tracks to glean coal for fuel, and everyone was having a hard time.

This is the beginning of the scarcity and lack pattern, and it's one of the reason I was feeling the

fear that caused the back pains. There is an inherent cellular memory of that traumatic era within

everyone who went through it, or anyone who has suffered through poverty and financial lack.

Many survived and life went on, though the scars remained on a subconscious level,

which is that generation still turns off light switches to economize on electricity, and other such

behavior relating to scarcity.

But for my mom, it was just too much, and this was the beginning of her mental illness.

Soon she completely lost it, and was placed in a mental institution. That's when our family

ended, as mentioned elsewhere.

Pay Attention to Those Feelings

So, I needed to recognize and pay attention to my present feelings, understanding that

they are related to the past childhood trauma, and reminding my inner child "That was then; this

is now." And, I also need to remember that there is a big part of me that I don't know or

understand, so paying attention to my feelings can help me open that door to those Uncharted

Regions relating to my inner child and their affect on my psyche.

Many people insist that we should deny our feelings, get over it, move on, but this is what

causes mental and physical illness, so feeling the feelings is a vital part of recovery.

As Kahlil Gibran says, "Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your

understanding," which confirms the adage: "No pain no gain." But, I still don't like the physical

and emotional pain I'm going through. Further explanation reminds us that a major change can

"break the shell" that encloses our understanding and pain can show us where we may be

resisting the breaking of the old shell, because most pain arises from resistance.

Changing the Pattern

I knew it would be helpful to change the breakfast pattern, to remind Joanie "That was

then; this is now," so I asked if I could have some breakfast, and they shared with me, which was

very nurturing and healing.

Somehow, I made it through the day, and when Steve got home from work, the pattern

was further changed when they invited me to go with them on an errand and shopping, and even

buy Joanie's favorite comfort food: ice cream. Food is a great nurturing agent for my inner child,

and that's just how it is, and she felt much better. In fact, the day seemed to bring her through the

crisis. Not only the food, but that the pattern was changed when Dottie and Steve invited her

along, so she wasn't left home alone, which could have been a disaster, as Airica and Josh were

gone too.

That evening I'd gone to my room, but I heard Steve laughing at the TV, and I felt that it

might be good to watch something funny, especially since I don't have a TV, which was another

source of comfort for Joanie. It turned out to be a 50th Anniversary Show of the great comic,

Jackie Gleason, so I sat and watched, even though Steve went outside on the balcony for a

smoke, and he was joined by Airica for a lengthy discussion. However, I didn't mind sitting

alone and enjoying the comedy.

Conditioning Factor

I've written other examples of this Abandonment Pattern, but this time it seemed as if the

energies were being balanced, and thus the pattern was ending, because of my being in the EMC2

spiritual healing program, and because of the new life-cycle I had entered. When these deep

emotions again began to surface, I remembered that I'm now "on the tray," and knew that this

couldn't be as devastating as it felt, at the time, because it was a completion of this pattern.

Dottie had also brought this fact to my attention, so I'm sure that I've processed through a deeper

phase of this portion of the Uncharted Regions of my Inner Journey.

However, this time there seems to be more to write, such as the Conditioning Factor, and

I will not be healed enough to move on, until I face and write about this aspect of the Uncharted

Regions.

It's difficult to understand why I would feel such a strong urge to return to Van, despite

many conditions that have felt like a handicap, such as Van's unwillingness to support us, after

his company's downsize layoff, which put us without an income, while he was still in his fifties.

For some reason, he just stopped dead in his tracks, and for a time he couldn't even take

care of our finances, so he resorted to creative financing, such as using credit card loans to pay

off bills. Finally, we were in so much debt that I realized it was going to be up to me to do

something about it, because my name and credit was involved too. I was going through my own

stress-out process and I could hardly handle my own recovery, but that's when I contacted an

attorney at the Senior Center, and he advised us to file for bankruptcy, saying the program was

designed for people in our situation: caught in a job lay-off without having prepared for

retirement. It was the second time Van had done this to bail himself out of debt, but enough time

had elapsed that he was accepted, so the slate was wiped clean. But the pattern wasn't cleared,

and despite all my efforts, Van remained in a trance-like condition.

Because of Van's money disorder, and my scarcity programming, I insisted that we

attend Debtor's Anonymous. Van went along, but did not participate in the program, such as

sharing or telling his story. Yet, at least he couldn't say he didn't know what was going on with

himself about money. He was a victim of underearning and overspending, which is an addiction,

just like gambling, alcohol and drugs. The goal of the program, like AA is to stop over-spending

and getting to the cause of the symptom is the most successful way. Although Van is aware of

his money disorder, he has not dealt with the issues, nor taken personal responsibility for his own

recovery.

Nevertheless, at my insistence, we began following the program for recovery: a monthly

Spending Plan (similar to a budget), and keeping track of numbers, which means writing down

everything that is spent. It's supposed to be done each day, but he only kept the receipts and

updated in time for our monthly Spending Plan session. Better than nothing, but, as I said, he

really hadn't done anything to face and recover from the underlying condition.

Oh, he realizes that his relationship with his mother is based on her bailing him out with

money whenever we had breakdowns in the RV, but he didn't care, because it's how she showed

that she loved him. Finally, I blew up over the situation and he finally changed something

enough that the breakdowns stopped, and we made it all the way to Texas and back without any

breakdowns.

Although she paid for most of our repairs, whenever Van let her know about them, he

didn't tell her about the costly new refrigerator which we are still paying for, nor other expenses

that were placed on the credit card, adding up to $60.00 monthly payments, with no end in sight

for a long time. Then there is the $2,000.00 dentist bill that we will be paying on the rest of our

lives. So, if anyone wonders why I have a bad attitude about our finances, and I insist that Van

pays the bills, that's why. In addition, I insisted that I must have my portion of Social Security to

take care of my current expenses, such as rent, food, phone and tithe, with nothing left for

anything else.

Van is totally oblivious to needing to provide for my financial needs, such as my health

products, haircuts, and other expenses. So, I have to have the faith to know that I am not

dependent on Van, but God is the Source of my Supply, as I move forward with my life.

Yet, I notice that I am so conditioned to doing without, and getting by, that I wonder if I

will be able to move beyond that programming. For instance, when push came to shove, I wanted

to return to Van and continue with that lifestyle. And I am not the only one, because I have

learned that victims of spousal abuse and other mistreatment, gravitate back to their perpetrators.

So, being in a similar situation, I can see how easy it is to fall into the same trap.

Making Phone Calls

Thank God, I have ten-years in Codependents Anonymous (Coda) recovery and I have

learned how to take care of myself. Nevertheless, in situations such as this, it is so easy to

relapse, just like any other addict, especially when not working a program by attending meetings,

which I haven't done in recent years, while on the road. Now, I feel trapped, without

transportation, and unable to attend meetings, but I know that I can make a phone call and

arrange for someone to pick me up, and this I will do. 

A major part of recovery is being able to talk with someone about the situation, so on the

weekend, when I had access to my cellular phone, I called Van's Aunt Betsy, in Denver, and we

talked about the family patterns. Talking with her was comforting, and healing.

Later, I talked with my Cousin Marilyn, whose husband had dumped her (after

nineteen-years marriage) with her parents when she was in her fifties and going blind from

diabetes. It helps to talk with someone who has gone through these situations and overcome.

Somehow, she overcame the trauma of loss, and even forgave her husband. Although they

divorced, they are still good friends. She has recently rented her own duplex and is making it,

despite diabetes and near-blindness. This is encouraging.

Marilyn also told me how to get some help with food through several programs, which I

will follow up on, and also how to apply for food stamps. I don't relish going this route, but I

must do what I can to take care of myself. And these are doors that are open.

  I also called my daughter, Gail, who has been through her own trauma from the end of a

long-time love relationship, and who also works a strong 12-Step Program. She reminded me to

get to meetings and work my program.

A lengthy phone call with Bonnie gave more nurturing and she promised to come here

for Dottie's surprise birthday celebration in another week. She also said that she will be coming

to Portland for medical treatment, and she will take me with her and we can spend the day

together. She gave me support and something to look forward to, and the gift of friendship.

I'd been savoring the female energies this day, but I also called our longtime friend in

Albuquerque, Dan Mueller, whose inner and outer changes inspired me to join the EMC2

program. He is also a Unity minister, so his words of support were especially meaningful.

This day had been a good use of my free phone time, although I hadn't used them for any

on-line activities. That would come next, but I needed the contact with friends for emotional

support and human contact, especially since I was alone all day. And it was a healing day for me,

as I continued with my Inner Journey.

The Truth is Revealed

With all this writing, I still haven't put into words some basic issues. For instance, I

looked in Louise Hay's booklet "Healing Your Body," for the explanation of upper back pain,

and read: "Lack of emotional support. Feeling unloved. Holding back love." The solution is

listed as: "I love and approve of myself. Life supports and approves of me."

Well, that sure makes sense. I've explained about Van's money-love concept relationship

with his mother, and now it's time to put into words my love concept with Dad Freeland. He was

a doctor and when home he either listened to the radio, took a nap, or studied to keep updated on

medical information. So we didn't spend much time together, until I got into school and he

helped me with my homework. This time together became a way for me to have his time and

attention. As a result, I developed an inability to understand story-problems, which would

require more of his time with me.

In fact, the condition still haunts my life, and is the explanation as to why I have

problems with technology, such as the cellular phone and computer. And, therefore, the need to

have Van's expertise and attention, which offered me an opportunity to spend time with him, as

he assisted me in these activities. This is an important subject to discuss, because it explains the

basis of what lead to our separation.

But, at least for me, I've told the truth about it: first to myself, and then God, and now

someone else, as you are sharing in my recovery process. And these are major steps in recovery.

"We See What we See by Habit, and Nothing More"

My Friend, Keith Smyth, who can probably be described as a modern-day mystic, has

written some "Ponderings" on the subject of changing habits, and he has given me permission to

include it here:

Habit will not allow seeing what one is habituated to seeing, regardless of what is

actually happening.

The only way out of this trap is to be faced with external circumstances so forcible that

their visibility shatters the habit, if only for a moment.

In this moment of clarity, one must make an act of will instead of habit -- and then

continue to choose the act of will, regardless of the pain, confusion, anger, fear, etc. that the

habit itself will throw at one, so that the habit can survive as a force of power and control.

The difficulty is that by conscious acts of will, one assigns this power to the habit in the

first place.

Then one refuses to recognize that the power and control given over to the habit were

only loaned out in the first place; then one mistakenly (part of the habit) assigns the habit as part

and parcel of survival, thereby powering the habit from one of our deepest, most powerful

instinctive energy sources. BINGO!

Pain, anger hate, confusion, jealousy are all part of the arsenal of weapons used at the

disposal of the habit.

They will be, and are, used to their fullest extent, since the habit is drawing upon survival

instinct to maintain itself.

There is only one weapon at the disposal of the conscious identity, that is the weapon of

recognition powered by conscious acts of will, continuously -- since this is how the habit was

implanted originally.

No habit can ever be dissolved or erased. They (habits) can only be replaced. Intellectual

effort sets us apart from the commonplace. This leads us by hidden and difficult paths to

secluded spots where we find ourselves amid unaccustomed thoughts.

"Conscious Acts of Will"

It's my contention that the 12-Step program of AA or Coda, becomes the "weapon of

recognition powered by conscious acts of will."

I also believe that this self-imposed "act of will" that Van and I have entered into is the

"external circumstances so forcible that their (habits) visibility shatters." In other words the

shock or trauma of our separation will force us to step out of our comfort zones and do

something different to shatter the habit's power and control.

In any event, that's what my Higher Power brought to my conscious mind and I felt as if

I'd passed through the crisis; at least the first one. I have no idea what other unknown factors lie

before me as I forge ahead into the Uncharted Regions.